The story of B.: It took me two eating disorders and to colapse twice to give up modelling

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She is sitting before me – 25-year old, very mature for her age and despite her strength to deal with difficult situations and survive in life – somehow vulnerable. She is telling me how she started modelling at age of 6, developed anorexia at 9, bulimia at 16 and when she was 23 she weighted 40 kilograms on 1.80 height. I want to do something extremely kind for her, or at least to hug her, especially when she is considering as “not serious injuries” the bruises caused by her colleagues models. When she is saying it was normal for them to pull her hair to make her fall down. When she is saying she had laxatives and didn’t drink water to fit in the impossible standards of her fashion agency. And when she is saying that even though she gave up modelling after finishing two fashion shows in hospital, she still loves fashion.

This is my interview with this young and brave woman, who identifies herself with Disney princess Rapunzel /see the image above/

 

Tell me when did you decide to become a model?

I didn’t decided by myself, I was six years old and my mother’s friend started a model company. So my mother suggested that I start. Just to try it out.

How did you feel when you were on the stage?

It was real fun I didn’t really understand what it was. It was like we were made wierhouse? with the stage and just kept walking to fun music and we had like a rank of clothes switch just try them all just try to practice – it was like a modelling school. So it was really fun and they took pictures of us when we were on the stage and everything.

But did you have to wear make-up?

Not at the beginning. No. When we had actual shows yeah, we had A LOT of make-up on. And I remember it was bad for my eyes.

And how did you feel as a child wearing make-up?

I thought it looked really weird. And when I was young I had really big lips – now they are kind of big, but normal – but when I was young I had really big ones so I was always bullied for it. Because when you put lipstick on it looks like you are only lips.

And were you very slim?

I was kind of normal six-year old. I was slim, but a normal six-year old.

They kept telling us: Everything looks great, except if you can lose one or two pounds… And it was not that kind of big deal.

And when you career progressed did you have pressure on you to be slimmer, thinner at this early stage?

The first five-six shows were for small companies, it was like voluntary fashion shows so it wasn’t that serious. But after that when it got more serious – ye, they kept telling us Everything looks great, except if you can lose one or two pounds – like something like this. And it was not that kind of big deal, because they said it in a way that Well you could stop eating so much bread you can eat like cereals instead… Like that. And for the child’s mind it’s like OK – yes, I can do that.

And then from that it took two years, so when I was eight… oh, this is really sad! – so when I was eight it was around my birthday, so my mother asked me what I wanted for my birthday – and I said that I wanted liposuction on my tights.

Oh, my God!

Yes, before my eight-year birthday. And she was crying so much! It looked like I was kidding, but I saw it on TV and I thought that if I could do this than it would be better for my modelling. And then – well – when I turned eight I started eating less. I stopped eating breakfast. It took me about two hours to take one bite when I made sandwich. And when I turned nine I developed anorexia.

Age nine?!

Yeah, from nine to twelve.

From nine to twelve! You were a child!

Yeah, because you are really really young and you’ve already have a tiny body – it’s easy to lose weight. And when I was twelve I was 1.65 centimeters and I weighted around 30 kilos.

And what did you think about yourself, why didn’t you want to eat?

No, I just thought I was really really fat. Compared to everyone else. Afterwards, when you look at the pictures that I still have from the modelling I was lining up. You can see that everyone looks kind of normal slim and I’m the only one that’s kind of sheer.

I think that it is very common in anorexia – that you think about yourself these things, that you lose the real view of your body?

Yes, it is

But you still liked fashion, you wanted to go on with your modelling?

I didn’t really see it as a choice any more.

And I never talked to my mom about it. Even though she was always there. I didn’t want to talk to her about it. Because I didn’t want to worry her… Too much.

Did you enjoy when you were on the stage?

Yeah. I did.

But apart from these moments that you were on stage you felt that there was something upsetting, something which if your mom knew she would worry about you?

I felt empty inside. And since I lost my dad when I was six and my mom wasn’t feeling well at all… so I didn’t want to worry her or give her anything else to stress about… Because I felt I could deal with it myself. But the thing is from the age of nine to twelve I was in a hospital A LOT because I had anorexia…

So you were very often in a hospital but you still were doing the fashion shows?

Yes, when I wasn’t in the hospital I was at the shows.

When I wasn’t in the hospital I was at the shows.

Because my mother though that I lost weight because of depression over my dad which was also a big part but the thing is that when you are a child and they tell you that you are big – if they tell you anything negative as a child you take it so hard…

And did you think it influenced your development? Because you went into your adolescence as someone who’s already had so many issues with her body image?

Well… I couldn’t eat – like – properly – until I was sixteen… But then instead – because I started eating properly – I turned into slim instead of super skinny – I developed bulimia instead.

So I thought that if I throw up, but I’m eating, it must to be good.

Looked as a smart solution…

Exactly. I thought it was a good thing to do. So I had bulimia from sixteen to twenty one.And that was actually worse for me. Because anorexia was when I was really really young and I didn’t eat but I was still OK. The thing is I had bulimia when I was a teenager. It stopped my period.

Did you get along with your schoolmates?

I thought I was the fattest one. And ugly.

And did your classmates have problems with you being a model?

Actually a lot of them didn’t know because I didn’t talk about it. It was not a big thing. And I didn’t do a lot of photo shoots – I did most runaway. And those kind of people don’t go to runway shows so they didn’t know. A social media wasn’t big at that time

You know what is really strange for me is that fashion is about showing off, and you hid it as if it was a big secret!

Because we were really really really poor. So even if I was modelling… I had really nice clothes on when I was modelling – but when I wasn’t I had really poor clothing. I didn’t had make-up on, I didn’t do anything, I didn’t have enough money to buy nice things. So it was really weird that a poor girl that looks really horrible – in my opinion – would be model.

So fashion…

… was my secret.

But it looks to me as if it didn’t do anything for your self esteem.

No, I only felt good when I was on stage. I still do. I still feel very good on stage. I don’t know…

Because of the lights?

Because of the clothes. The styling… You don’t look like yourself. This is kind of like you know the people that do theater. A lot of them say that they have low self esteem, they are stage frightened and everything like this – but when they go on stage on the theater and they have their mask on, their costume on, they are different person. It’s kind of like that.

Do you behave differently when you are on stage, when you are this different person?

I’m the most confident person there is. I’m the most confident person… when I’m on stage.

But then this doesn’t stay with you.

When I’m off stage? No. And I always threw up… before I go on stage.

Always?

Always! I threw up. Before I go up on stage.

You are doing this on purpose? Or it just happens?

No, it just happens. Because, the thing is, what if I go up on stage and I look down on people and I see somebody that doesn’t smile, that doesn’t like what he see. That was my biggest fear.

Even thought you were so confident.

Yes. Even thought I looked very stylish and everything. I was used to being judged off stage. I didn’t want to be judged on stage as well. And I never checked comments. After the show I never checked my own pictures. Other people was doing this I never did it. Because I knew that if I found even one thing I won’t be able to do it again.

In my imaginations this throwing up looks a bit as if you wanted to empty yourself. As if you wanted to be free from yourself and be just this peel of yourself.

It was like I felt really really nervous. And I thought that – well, if I do it now – I’m not going to do it on stage.

Did you make money of your fashion engagements?

It was OK.

Did you do this to support your family?

Yes. Because my mom didn’t have a job and she got very sick and she couldn’t work at all. So we had very little to go buy on. So if I don’t do the work it would be even more horrible. And I work as – when I was 14 – if I put on make-up I looked like 18, because I was super tall. So, but I worked in a bar in nights from 14-year old. I wasn’t serving drinks, I was cleaning and stuff but no one ever caught me because I looked older than I was. So that plus the modelling money – we can get by.

So it was your duty to look after your family?

Yes, because my mother wasn’t stable. And she was very sick. And my brother was very… he was locked at his room a lot. He didn’t talk to any of as that much.

And then you went to Japan and became model there. Was it still as difficult, the situation at home, when you went there?

I went there at twenty. My mom remarried when I was about 16-17 and she became happy again. So it was better and I felt that I had my chance to start living my life. So I went to Japan. It took about two weeks to become a model there. I was shopping, I was walking down the street and then this guy came to me – a scout – and took my picture, took my email and then they called me on the next day. And then I went there for a photo shoot and I was “caught” again.

And were you still very slim at the time?

I had bulimia at the moment. So I was 1.75 and I weighted about 42 kilos.

I was standing there half naked and I was like: Do they even see that I’m a human? Do they see that I exist?

How did you feel when they took you to model?

I always think that they want me to model because I’m tall. Not anything else. I never think it’s for my looks or anything. I only think it is because I’m tall. And I know I’m really tall, I am almost 1.80 now. I know I’m very tall.

Well fashion business always looks so glamorous and luxurious, but do the models feel so glamorous inside?

No. They kind of treat you like a manikin. You are (e)motionless. And I understand why, because we all look emotionless. When we stay in a row. Especially for a runaway models. They don’t really connect with us. They just put the clothes on us. I was stayed naked, I only had my panties on like for a half an hour. All these guys, all these girls – the stylists – were just walking around trying to like find clothes for me and I was standing there half naked and I was like: Do they even see that I’m a human? Do they even see that I exist?

But no, they see me as a manikin. They didn’t talk to me, but talked about me.

When sometimes I see a fashion movie there is this picture of designers and stylist going around the model, touching, as if she is not alive. I always wondered how it felt to be at her place. Do you feel exposed or you also forget that you are alive?

I felt very exposed at the beginning, because I was very young when I started. But at the end I just… kind of shut down… I felt… like… I don’t know, I didn’t feel like I was living.. I felt like a manikin. And they never spoke to me, so I never spoke to them, so I was just standing there, quiet, trying to look at a spot on the wall… kind of thing.

Were you able to feel cold, tiredness, all these human things when you stayed like this for many many hours?

Just horribly exhausted. Of modelling and… not being seen. Of being alive at some point.

And how was your life apart from modelling at the time?

In Japan it was good. I was studying it was fine.

Was your modelling a secret again?

No, not in Japan. Because at that time social media was really really big.

So you started showing…?

No, it just came up. I came up.

I saw a picture of yours from that time and you looked so slim that it felt almost non-human. How did this happen?

Oh, years and years of bullying, small, petty comments.

From your agencies or from the outside?

Both. From the agency and outside of the agency.

How did your agency approach the topic?

So at the beginning they were very nice about it. They were like: You look so pretty, you look so beautiful. Your body is amazing. BUT… Your hips are a bit too wide or your ribs are too wide…

Not you as a whole, but parts of you…

Yes. Or your tights are too big, or something like this.

What did you do?

Work out. Eat less. And lot and lot of laxatives. LOTS of laxatives. Yes.

How long did it last?

The longest was two months.

You told me before that you felt so weak that you couldn’t stay on your feet for more than 20 minutes.

Yes. When I was working in Japan I always had an assistant, because at the beginning I couldn’t speak Japanese. So she was translating from English. And she was always beside me, so I was always holding her shoulder, because I couldn’t stand up by myself in that period of time.

Was there anyone who supported you during this period, someone with whom you could talk or share your anxieties? Very often people from the agencies say they are like parents to the models working for them.

Oh, yes, that was my first agency. I remember they had a sign when you enter the door. It was two angels – it was like drawing. It was one that was really tall and slim and next one who was kind of round shape one, a chubby. And it said something like: We love you with no matter what you look like. You are appreciated no matter what you look like – this kind of thing.

Oh, how nice of them…

Yes, before you realise what exactly what they mean. It was as if they were saying: You are welcome no matter how you look like, but we are going to make you skinny. Oh, it is kind of horrible.

I remember there was this girl that was chubby she lost about 10 kilos, than she had to stop, because her mother realised what she was doing.

Did you become a friend with some of other models?

No!

Why not?

They are evil.

What do you mean?

They are too consumed by themselves. Because they are models, and they look amazing, and they are the prettiest girls ever… They think that they are so much more that they really are. Which for most of them are just good genes or that they can put make-up on really well. Maybe it’s the make-up thing!

I had bruises, but there was never anything more than that, I never break anything.

I heard some horrible stories about competition between models – girls who lived together and one of them was greasing the bathroom floor with soap for other models to slip and fall down with a broken leg?

Yes, yes, that’s a lot.

Were you a victim of a plot like this one?

No. They used to pull my hair. When I was walking. If you are really really tall and skinny and you are walking on high heels and somebody comes behind you and pull your pony tail you will fall down. Really hard. So when I was backstage and I was training, someone would always pull my hair.

Did you fall dawn?

I would always fall, of course… Because these shoes you have are not very stable.

Did you have injuries?

Not serious ones.

What do you consider as serious injury?

No, I had bruises, but there was never anything more than that, I never break anything.

Did you participate in many fashion shows and photo shootings?

Oh, yes, a lot. Not too many photo shoots but a lot of fashion shows. They still tell me at my job now, that I’m doing – everybody keeps commenting on my walk. Even thou I have sneakers on, everybody comments on my walk. And they are like: Were you a model? And I’m like: Yes, I was.

Is it still a secret?

No, but the thing is I can’t understand what is different in my walk. Aparrently I walk differently, but I can’t understand why. I can’t help it though, because I’m on the stage from six-year old, I started wearing high heels from 6-year old.

When I started modelling I had a book on my had – you know this old fashioned kind of thing – I had a book on my head and I had high heels on and I was walking up and down the stairs for two hours

At home?

At home. For two hours. Every day. Up and down. They made us do it. And I was so young so I was like – OK, I have to do it. So I was doing it every day for two hours. It was like learning to walk again. Well… I had to do it.

But how did you find heels for a 6-year old feet?

Oh, they gave us heels.

Tell me more about the fashion business in Japan – you mentioned that it was very different from everywhere else?

Considering the Swedish model industry? Well, it was horrible, when I was really young. Because you just had to be thinner and thinner – like in France and all Europe countries. When I was older – in my teenage years – they wanted a healthy model image – like Victoria’s Secret models. You are still very slim, but you are having a healthy body. You are eating healthy, you are not anorexic. Because they are not anorexic. They still LOOK very slim, but they are still healthy, because they have some kind of curves… They still look AMAZING – and they are healthy. That’s kind of the image what Sweden turned up to be. And… well, I gained some kilograms and I looked… kind of healthy… I was around 42 kilos… (she laughs) It’s not very healthy, but I had bulimia at the time. And then I went to Japan and… (she sighs)… It’s not healthy lifestyle there… for a model. So here we have like different type of body types. Even if you are really skinny, you still have bigger hips than Japanese girl does. Because she has none. Even if your chest is really small, you still have a chest compared to the Japanese girl. And they don’t want that, they want your body to look like Japanese women’s or men’s body. So, even how skinny I was, I still had to lose weight. So there was one time when you can see… all my hip bones. You can really see them poking out of my jeans. And they were like: You have to lose… a couple of centimeters of your hips. And I was like: I don’t HAVE anything in my hips, it’s only bones, it’s not like I can shave my bones down. And they were like: You are talking nonsense – of course that you can lose more on your hips. And I thought – I was 1.78 and I was 40 kilos – 40-39… and I collapsed twice for a year. Because I couldn’t drink water, I couldn’t… I wasn’t allowed to drink just water – if I was going to drink water I drank water with lemon slices and apple vinegar – to not retain water in my body. So everything washes out. A lot of laxatives… And at that point I realised that I couldn’t do this anymore. So I stopped. It only took me to collapse twice to decide!

I wasn’t allowed to drink just water – if I was going to drink water I drank water with lemon slices and apple vinegar – to not retain water in my body.

And two eating disorders, one after another.

Yes.

To me it sounds like a really strange requirement to lose centimetres on your hips – as if you can command your body where to lose weight.

But that’s the demand they always have in model industry. There always be girls that have bigger waistline. But they have small hips and very skinny legs. But they still have to lose weight on their legs. Or girls that have really thin waistline but thicker legs. They have to lose on their legs. That are the demands you have – you have to follow the demands if you want to be in the business.

But your body can disagree with this.

That’s why you try to lose weight all over. That’s why do the laxatives, that’s why you do the bulimia. That’s why you stop eating or just eating salad. And I don’t mean a good salad – I don’t mean salad with like goat cheese and everything like this – I mean you eat lettuce. Lettuce. Just the green stuff. And nothing else.

Sounds very “healthy”.

Yes, sure.

You said “to look like a Japanese woman OR a man”. For me to expect from a woman not to have curves is to expect her to look like either a man or a child.

But that’s the thing though because a girl looks like an adolescent boy. You don’t have any curves. Just like an I-figure. And no fat at all.

Is that the reason why models become younger and younger? Why do you think model agencies like children as models?

Because they are even skinnier. They have innocent faces. And if they are young you can mold them into whatever you want. You can play with their emotions and their brains, you can do whatever you want. It’s like your own little puppet.

This is a good reason. But you were in your twenties and you had your brain, so you decided to stop.

After two years. Before that I went into my usual routine – kind of stopped feeling anything. Every time when they said any comments about my weight I was just like: OK. After the first time I collapsed I thought I wasn’t drinking enough water… or I was… I don’t know – exhausted from school. The second time I was… I was talking to my mom before my second time, second collapse. And she saw pictures of me on Facebook she said that I looked horrible and I said: Thank you!

So, she hadn’t seen you…

When I was in Japan? No. And if we went out I was always had a sweater on.

Because you felt there was something wrong.

Yes. Because I always had a skinny face, a V-line face or whatever they call it. And I thought that if I had a sweater on she wouldn’t notice anything. But then I was out with a friend I had a white shirt on and a big belt on my waist. And you can see how I only had skin and bones. Actually I have a picture – do you want to see it.

Yes. Is it scary?

You are going to freak out. I actually still have it on Facebook. It’s like really odd… (she shows me the picture. She looks like an alien, I can’t even imagine that this is the same woman who sits in front of my so composed and… well, beautiful.)

And your mother saw this!

My mother saw this and she called my right away! Said: What the hell are you doing? Because I didn’t upload the picture. My friend uploaded it on Facebook.

What did you tell her?

I said that I did a funny face on that picture. I said: No, I did it on purpose, I look in that way on purpose. Kind of like sucking my cheeks in. I was like: No, I’m doing it on purpose, I’m not that skinny hahaha.

And she believed you?

No. My shirt was open. And you can see not my collar bones, but all these bones over the chest. You can see all this bones were poking out. And I had white shirt on which was supposed to show that I was bigger but no, I looked like a tiny girl who tried her mom’s clothes.

And did you have your period at this moment?

No. No.

If they are young you can mold them into whatever you want. You can play with their emotions and their brains, you can do whatever you want. It’s like your own little puppet.

Did you have a consultation with a doctor or a psychotherapist?

In Japan?

Yes.

No. Not in Japan. But I had in Sweden. It was horrible.

So after the collapse you didn’t go to a doctor?

No, because I knew I had a problem. I knew exactly what my problem was. And I knew exactly what they were gonna say, because I went to a lot of people, a lot of doctors and stuff when I was younger. And they were really horrible to me. They didn’t help at all. I just went there and they asked: Why aren’t you eating, and I was like: I don’t want to eat. And they were like: OK. Why aren’t you drinking anything, and I was like: I don’t want to retain water. And they were like: OK. Do you want to die? And I was nine years old at the time. What kind of person asks a nine years old: DO YOU WANT TO DIE? And my mother, she slapped him in his face. And we just walked out.
They were really horrible they were so bad. At the time.

You know, when I say to people that I have a website for models and it is about all the problems that models could experience as models, all the people are like: What kind of problems can a model have?

It’s like saying: What kind of problems can a rich person have? They are rich – they won’t have any problems at all. Yes, because being rich is everything, right?

Just because you look good on stage, just because you look happy when they are taking you pictures, just because you look stoic – all these kind of things – doesn’t mean that you are happy inside. Doesn’t mean that you have a fulfilling life, doesn’t mean that your life outside of modelling also is perfect.

I also think that many people think that when you work as a model you earn a lot of money.

It varies from job to job. I did a lot of small companies before when I was younger and a lot of the times it wasn’t anything at all. But when I got to the age of 13-14 I did H&M. I did Reebok, I did… oh, I can’t remember all of them. It’s all kind of a blur for me. And that was good money.

I’m saying this just because I know that many times what is good money for the agency doesn’t necessarily mean good money for the model.

No, but they wanted ME. This makes a big difference and this is what models hope for.

What kind of person asks a nine years old: Do you WANT to die? And my mother, she slapped him in his face. And we just walked out.

And then there are collapses on stage, no matter how successful you are. Or may be especially when you are successful. What made you feel that you didn’t want to do this job anymore. What was the “turning point”?

It was after my second collapse. I woke up in a hospital without any idea how I got there. And then I was like: How many more timer it should happen before I realise that it’s going downhill again? And that was it.

Did your agency let you go easily?

No, I just didn’t go. I just didn’t go there.

So you had appointments and so on but you just didn’t go.

Yes. I didn’t go. And they called me I didn’t answer. And this went on like couple of days. They showed up in my house I didn’t answer. I had a contract. They knew where I lived.

And what happened with the contract? I saw some contracts for models and they were very strict.

Yes. You are stuck.

And sometimes models don’t even read them and they sign. And then if they want to stop they find themselves in dept they find really hard to pay without working as models so they stay.
I was at the end of my contract. So it wasn’t that bad. But… finally I went to the office they were freaked out. They said: We thought you were dead and I said: I could have been. And they said that I looked good.

How did you actually look?

I have been in the hospital for two-three days. And I was fed through a tube. Because I couldn’t eat. So I lost one-two kilos. You know – because you don’t eat. You just lie in bed. So I came into the agency and they said I looked good. I was so angry. I was like: I know EXACTLY why you think I look good. And I said I wanted out. That I didn’t want to do that anymore. That if they give me another job I won’t go… Or I will go and I will my set up for them. I don’t care who it is, I don’t care who is the designer, I don’t care what show it is for. I don’t care. I would go there and I will mess it up for them. And they… kind of let me go. (she laughs) Because nobody wants that kind of model.

Of course. They want compliant models.

Yes. They were really horrible to me, so…

And what happened after?

I still did modelling. But freelance modelling. I made my own decisions. I called all the shots. I still had a home page – if somebody wanted me they called, emailed. I did model a lot for one and a half more years.

But without having a pressure on you.

Exactly. And I gained weight… like 5 kilos.

Was this a problem for you clients? The 5 kilos you gained? Did they start wanting you less?

No. Because they tried the clothes on me – if it fits than I can do the photo shoot.

So these 5 kilos weren’t a problem.

No.

How did you feel at this time?

Empowered.
And then I met my boyfriend. When I was like… 49 kilos. A lot! And he thought I was just skinny. But he thought I was beautiful inside. He thought I was beautiful but … I needed food. And I laughed and I said: You are not going to like me if I become fat and he said: I would like you even more if you gain some weight. And with him I had my first pizza in ten years. I remember it was SO good!

The taste?

Yeah. I had to wipe it with napkins – to take out all the oil and everything, because it was too much, I wasn’t used to it. And after I had such a bad tummy ache. It hurt so much in my stomach. And then we had pizza another time as well and… oh, my God! It was so good.
And then we move in after six months. I didn’t know that he had been a cook before. So he started cooking food at home. So I went to the shop and I bought salad. And vegetables. Because I was used to eating salads, and I bought a lot of them. And he was like: What am I supposed to do with all these? And then he goes out… and he brings A LOT of food! And I think I gained more kilos when we were together. I was still throwing up from time to time, but it wasn’t every day. Because I had someone who loved ME, not my figure. He saw me for who I was, for inside and out, not for what my body was like. He didn’t care what my body was like. But I couldn’t show myself naked in front of him… at all. I still have problems to showing myself in front of him, I can’t change in front of him. Even thou we have been together for over four years now.

And even though you were able to stay naked in front of complete strangers?

Yes. I can’t do it in front of him.

Because now you ARE there.

Yes, I’m not disconnected anymore. Which is even more terrifying.

I had someone who loved ME, not my figure. He saw me for who I was, not for what my body was like.

And what happened with your attitude to fashion. I know that you finished this famous fashion university in Japan and you don’t want to stop being involved in fashion just because of your modelling experience.

No. I want to make my own fashion magazine. I want to do it for people with all kinds of body shapes. I don’t promote anorexia at all. I don’t think it’s a good thing. But I don’t think that obesity is either. I think that some of these models (obese) are kind of over the top. That they are promoting unhealthy body image. It’s OK to be big. It’s not OK to be SO big that you have heart problems, that you have other kinds of diseases. You don’t have to be super skinny but that’s kind of another type of self distraction. As if you are eating away your feelings. I don’t like skinny models. I like slim models, but I don’t like skinny models. It doesn’t look good. Even with clothes. Who wants a girlfriend, who likes someone who have all their bones poking out. It doesn’t look good. You lose your period, you lose everything.

You become a manikin, actually. With no bodily functions.

You become empty.

How big you think are your chances for success with this type of fashion magazine?

Slim to none. I am competitive, but… I just can’t run people over.

But do you think there will be an audience for this type of magazine?
I think everybody would read it. It’s still not supposed to be normal people. No one wants to see normal people in fashion magazines.

Why not?

Because they are normal. Everybody can do it then. That’s why they go for that super skinny. Because not everybody can do it. That’s why I want to find a slim alternative , but not the super skinny. Healthy models with healthy lifestyles. And from there – a little bit of normal models, a little bit of slim and a little bit of chubby. Different kinds of models with different body shapes, and then – what kind of clothes will suit them, what kind of style suits them and something for everyone.

And how do you feel like fashion in general?

Confused… I love it. I will always love it. It is what I want to do, it is my passion. I grew up with it… even it was horrible 99% of the time. It was horrible when I was really young, but… I love it. When I started university in Japan, I started loving the fashion… in a deeper level. Before it was just kind of a job for me. I didn’t see the beauty of the clothes, I didn’t see the beauty in the designers’ minds. It is an art. It’s so beautiful… If you can do it right, it’s so beautiful.
I love the fashion industry. I don’t love the model industry.

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